For those who don’t know me personally or my past. Some of my greatest lessons in this life were from my divorce.
See, I got married at 20 years old. Pretty young right….
I thought I had met the one.
He was handsome, sexy, sweet, kind, smart , employed, religious and a friend of a mutual friend.
He ticked all the boxes.
I didn’t want any other man – he was it for me.
When he got down on one knee and I felt something wasn’t quite right – I ignored it because I wanted the fairytale.
At our wedding I actually said in my speech that I was the happiest girl in the world. And I truly meant it – I had so many hopes for my future with this man. I was determined to be a ‘good’ wife. It gave me some form of value – waving that ring around was external validation – an achievement of some kind.
A year or two later… my world actually flipped upside down. I found out he lived a double life. I won’t go into details out of respect for him and my son but I realised I had married a complete stranger.
I was so angry, sad, extremely tired and with a new baby – very depressed. Despite the betrayal I had some hope that he would change and our life would be happier. I know … silly right.
I ignored my intuition, all the red flags /signs and my own needs.
It took an abortion and the absolute heartbreak of going through that alone that fueled the fire in me to finally leave.
It took reaching rock bottom to realise I needed to find a way out.
It wasn’t easy, there were police and court orders involved and financial loss on my part but it was the best decision I had ever made.
There are some lessons I learnt along the way, I will share 3 of them:
1. You can not fully love another human being without loving yourself fully first.
I woke up one morning soon after I left and decided… No more nice girl. I was going to be a bitch. A bitch puts herself first. And so whenever the urge to please arose – I would tap into that inner bitch and say NOT TODAY. I started making promises to myself – for example…to say NO, to speak my mind, to be real honest with how I felt. I was not going to people please and I was going to love and obsess over myself.
This changed SO much for me. Of course there was a balance of self love with the demands of single motherhood but I was no longer wasting any energy on what wasn’t serving me.
I was determined to invest time and money on discovering who the feck I was and what I loved, what made me feel joyful. And so I made a vision board and set some goals. I did things outside my comfort zone on purpose, I was determined to face my fears and choose love. I trusted the universe.
2. The old Disney princess fairy tales are toxic.
I absolutely despise the fact that the old Disney princesses obsess over a prince or wait for him to save them. In real life the only hero that will save you is your god damn self.
Baby girl, you come into this world alone and you leave this world alone – it’s so important to learn that you are the sHERO. You will save you. Invest in your self, be a goal digger! A man is not a financial plan.
3. Forgiveness is key. 🔑
I spent so much time hating my ex husband and sitting in victim mode and in a wounded story (woundology). I wanted to prove that my life was much better off without him. I was very in my masculine. Through energy healing, flower essences and a lot of inner work (realising my patterns and changing mental habits & behaviours) – all the negative feelings felt like they slipped away. Like a river flowing. It took time but gradually I just didn’t feel any negative feelings at all for the man. I had changed my inner world and my external world was also changing significantly. I could see his purpose in the story of my life and how holding onto negativity and anger was poisoning my own soul… I had to forgive and let go to move forward, I had to take my power back and OWN my story, truly accept my shadow side – my part in the story and my light.
I would not be where I am today & have what I have without that experience.
So if you are in the midst of a divorce or break up – CONGRATULATIONS my friend! You are beginning a new and exciting chapter of your life and there’s only one way to go – FORWARD.
You are blessed to live another day, another direction and with some lessons for your future.
You are the CEO … the ‘guru’ of your life – you can change the narrative of your story. Be proud of where you are. 💫
Saira 💛